here’s some humour gathered from various sources on the internet...

1994's Most Bizarre Suicide

from The Funny Pages

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended."

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

"The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus."

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded." "The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.

"Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

This claims to be true. It sounds true. It probably isn't. More than likely it is from alt.folklore.urban

short story from The ol’ Joke Page

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Top Ten Things Men should never say out loud in Victoria's Secret: 

#10  The Miracle What?  This is better than world peace! 
#9   No Thanks.  Just Sniffing. 
#8   I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 
#7   Mom will love this. 
#6   Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it? 
#5   No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here. 
#4   Will you model this for me??? 
#3   Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! 
#2   45 bucks? You're just gonna end up naked anyway!! 
#1   Does this come in children's sizes? 


Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Uncle Paul's top ten list of fun things to do in church
from Bits 'O Absurdity

1.Spike the sacramental wine with vodka
2.Speak in tongues
3.Replace the frankincense in the braziers with hashish
4.Place goldfish in the holy water font 5.Sit in the back row of pews - when the priest talks about the Pascal lamb, make sheep noises
6.Grab the collection baskets - play lacrosse
7.Bring your own bell to Mass - start an aerobics team
8.Ask a Nun that if she is supposed to be married to Jesus, what her last name is
9.Walk into the confessional - ask the priest if there is any toilet paper on his side
10.Put spray cheese on the Eucharist

FAA Testing, from LaughWeb

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in a dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

well, that's it for this issue! got something funny to share? send it in!
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