Pester Press issue #1
Pester Press

A Look at Business

I just got my paycheck and Iíve got money to spend. I think Iíll go downtown and buy something new at...Zellers?

I find it terribly pathetic that each end of this "city" is capped with a Zellers store. For the most part the place is full of junk and lacks any selection. What this place needs is more specialty stores.

We need second hand CD shops because we all know about new CDís having the 300% mark-up. We need music stores with an extensive selection besides being restricted to fifteen Top 10 artists. We need hobby shops, comic shops, and musical instrument stores.

A variety of clothing stores, new and second hand alike, would be nice to see. Not just a bunch of brightly lit warehouses for designer jeans and overpriced fashions.

How about a pet store with lots of animals? We have a distributor for pet supplies but goldfish, birds, and gerbils tend to not like the long car rides back home from Charlottetown.

We certainly have lots of restaurants and fast food joints but we lack any ethnic influences. Oh sure, there was a certain mexican spot open for a little while but Iím fairly sure that Cowboy Karaoke belongs in another type of restaurant (or does it?). We also have our pizza places. Would it kill them to have a good deal on now and then? Apparently theyíve never heard of a thing called "competitive pricing."

A cafť or two dotting the downtown strip couldnít hurt but maybe thatís not this townís style or maybe itís the fact that they would be overshadowed by Tim Hortonís stores that seem to keep popping up like dandelions.

Of course, we have to look at this reasonably. How many new stores have opened here lately and have remained open? A few Iím sure but think of Mexicali Oasis that disappeared like a bad mirage, Nightscape, Direct Edition, the pet shop at Holmanís, Pizza Twice, and a slew of others in both malls.

Maybe entrepreneurs should take the hint and not bother. Let all the chains take over and infest this town of ours. Or is that the problem? Hats off to the places that have survived, though, because it takes a lot to outdo the big names in a place where lack of interest and lack of money equals going-out-of-business sales.

Hopefully, that large block of prime mall space now occupied by the downtown Zellers store will be filled with great small businesses once it gets ejected this coming January.

- Jackrabbit

A Cynical Point of View

Greetings all. I am Mr. Top Hat and I am here to complain so letís get down to it. I donít know about you but Iíve certainly had enough of that Princess Di nonsense. I mean great woman and all but last time I checked she was still dead and I donít think sheíll be getting up any time soon.

Itís bad enough that CBC ran her funeral for days and days and days. Come on people, this is a funeral, worse still, this is the funeral of a woman that none of us knew. I know that when I kick the bucket I donít want to be paraded through the streets for a few days and have it televised all over the world. How morbid can we get?

Hereís my idea (listen up opportunists, thereís money to be made with this), why donít we dig up the glass coffin every year, tour the corpse worldwide and charge admission. People could get their pictures taken with the remains, the whole nine yards! Hey, Iím not the sick one here, youíre the ones watching the damned funeral on TV.

Another thing Iíve noticed is that there seems to be more and more tanning salons popping up around Summerside and Charlottetown. What is this? Youíre going to pay someone to cook your skin just for the sake of a tan? This is just another way for stupid people to get cancer.

Werenít cigarettes enough of a risk? Maybe you could develop skin and lung cancer at the same time. Wouldnít that be great? If you ask me, anyone whoís moronic enough to sit in a tanning salon should get a whole head full of cancer, just one big tumor instead of a brain.

Maybe Iíll skip the next logical steps and go straight to where weíre headed: a big needle full of cancer. Thatís right, Iíll charge $800 a shot and Iíll probably make a bundle off all of you cancer-seeking halfwits.

Well, Iíve probably charmed you all enough with my garble so until next time this is Mr. Top Hat saying over and out.

Are you a sheep?

The lord is your shepard, does that make you a blinded, brainwashed member of the herd? From day one religion is crammed down our throats from every direction: on television, radio, in the news, and even in our schools where it is said we learn an "unbiased education". People are so arrogant and full of themselves that they can't just accept that death is an end. News flash, you are insignificant and no different from the beautiful flamingo or the disgusting maggot. Death is the end, you don't go anywhere, you're just dead. People fear death so badly that stories of heaven were made to comfort you and make it easier to get through life. Where is your christ in time of crisis? Why does 2/3 of the world starve in absolute poverty while you sit at home watching it on tv in your air conditioned den? All those people must be sinners right? Wrong. Those people are the same as you so why did your god make them suffer?

Meanwhile some of the men you look up to for spiritual guidance are molesting your kids, religion surpresses our sexuallity to the point where these priests are releasing their sexual frustration on little Johnny after you drop him off for Sunday school. Let the poor man have a wife, I'm sure a life of a happily married man devoted to your god is a little more desirable than that same guy having to rape your children, Think about it, which do you think follows more closely to the religion you follow.

Then you have guys married for 15 years with 2 kids coming out of the closet! If it had been easy for that guy to grow up gay then that family would not have suffered like that and those kids wouldn't have the emotional scars that go along with a family break-up. But then again it says in the Bible it's a sin so "fags" must be evil, if it's in a book, might as well believe it even though you have no idea who wrote it or for what purpose.

And then there's these people trying to preach the word on god on their front lawns. everywhere you look there's billboards saying crap like "repent and thall shalt be saved". Thanks for the advice and all but no thanks. I don't think doing what I feel like is a sin as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, my business is my business and I don't need to be preached at. What makes you think I want to hear the word of god from geeks in suits pounding at my door relentlessly? I don't come to your door or send out flyers saying jesus was a fraud or that god doesn't exist and would you appreciate it if I did? No, you don't want my beliefs pushed on you and I sure as hell don't want yours pushed on me so enough with the bible thumping.

- Lemonhead Delight

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